The Courage to Forgive: How to Let Go Without Feeling Like a Doormat

Forgiveness is one of the hardest things we’re called to do. It feels unfair, like we’re letting someone off the hook and allowing them to escape responsibility for the hurt they caused. If the wound is deep enough, forgiveness can seem impossible, almost like a betrayal of ourselves, as if our pain doesn’t matter.

But what if forgiveness isn’t about them at all? What if it’s about you freeing yourself from the prison of bitterness and stepping into a life no longer weighed down by someone else’s actions?

The Heavy Burden of Unforgiveness
Imagine carrying a heavy suitcase filled with rocks. Each rock represents an unkind word, a betrayal, an abandonment, a broken promise, or a deep hurt. Over time, the weight becomes unbearable. You think holding onto it protects you, ensuring justice. But in reality, it only hurts you.

Bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer. It hardens your heart, steals your peace, and traps you in the past. When Jesus spoke about forgiveness, He wasn’t asking us to ignore our pain or pretend it didn’t happen. He was inviting us to release what is slowly destroying us.

Ephesians 4:31-32 (NIV) reminds us:

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Paul isn’t just suggesting forgiveness; he is warning us that holding onto bitterness destroys us. It affects our emotions, our relationship with God, our mental and physical health, and our ability to love others well.

Forgiving Without Becoming a Doormat
Many hesitate to forgive because they fear it means allowing the person back into their lives without accountability. They believe it requires forgetting or, worse, staying in a toxic situation. But biblical forgiveness isn’t about excusing behavior or putting yourself in harm’s way.

1. Forgiveness Is Releasing, Not Reconciliation
Forgiveness is between you and God. However, reconciliation requires mutual effort. If someone refuses to acknowledge their wrongdoing or continues to harm you, reconciliation may not be possible, and that’s okay. You can forgive while maintaining boundaries.

Romans 12:18 (NIV) reminds us:

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."

Sometimes, peace isn’t possible with certain people. You don’t have to endure mistreatment to prove you’ve forgiven.

2. Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean Trust
Trust is earned. If someone has repeatedly lied, manipulated, or harmed you, you can forgive them without trusting them again. Even Jesus set boundaries. He didn’t entrust Himself to everyone because He knew their hearts (John 2:24-25).

Forgiveness releases your burden; it doesn’t mean giving them unrestricted access to your life.

3. Forgiveness Is Obedience, Not a Feeling
Let’s be honest sometimes, we don’t feel like forgiving. But forgiveness is an act of obedience, not an emotional decision.

Matthew 6:14-15 (NIV) warns us:

"For if you forgive others when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins."

God isn’t saying this to control us. He’s showing us that forgiveness is essential for our own freedom. Holding onto resentment blocks our ability to fully receive His grace.

The Moment I Knew I Had to Forgive
I never thought I would have to forgive him, not just for the betrayal in our marriage but for what came after the divorce. The betrayal of our children.

Divorce itself was painful enough. The breaking of a promise. But even after the papers were signed, the pain didn’t end. Instead, it took on a new form.

When a marriage ends, you hope, at the very least, that you can still be good parents. That love for your children will rise above the bitterness. That they will never have to carry the weight of their parents' brokenness.

But that’s not what happened.

Instead, I watched as the person who was supposed to love and protect our children let them down in ways I never imagined. He made choices that hurt them, neglected them, and left wounds in their hearts that I couldn’t fix.

And that betrayal? That was worse than anything he ever did to me.

The Breaking Point
One night, after yet another painful encounter, my husband sat with me and said something that shook me to my core:

"It’s like I don’t know who you are. He’s still controlling your life."

I wanted to argue, but I couldn’t because it was true. My ex-husband, through my anger and resentment, was still taking up space in my mind, influencing my emotions, and shaping how I lived my life.

That’s when I knew: I had to forgive him.

Not for him. For me.

Not because he deserved it. Because I deserved peace.

How to Let Go of Bitterness
Acknowledge the Hurt – Pretending you’re okay doesn’t work. Be honest about what happened and how it affected you.

Decide to Forgive – You may not feel like it at first, but forgiveness is a decision, not an emotion.

Pray for Strength – Ask God to help you forgive. Luke 6:27-28 tells us to pray for those who hurt us, not for their benefit but for our own healing.

Set Boundaries – Forgiveness doesn’t mean continued access. If someone is toxic, distance is necessary.

Let God Handle Justice – Romans 12:19 (NIV) reminds us:

"Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord."

 

The Freedom of Letting Go
Imagine waking up one day, no longer weighed down by resentment. You no longer replay conversations in your mind, no longer feel anger rise when their name is mentioned. Instead, you have peace.

That peace is the gift of true forgiveness.

Forgiving doesn’t mean their actions were okay. It means you are choosing not to let their actions control you anymore. It means you are prioritizing your healing over your need for justice.

So today, ask yourself:
What would my life look like if I truly let go?

Forgive. Walk away if necessary. And step into the peace that God has for you.